Today, I’m pondering giving and receiving and hospitality, boundaries and propriety. I think, due to time constraints, I’ll have to just do the first part today.
I remember what Christine (Lane) Stonecliff said on a Valentine’s day several years ago about giving and receiving love. She had been reading a book about how people have different ways that they give and accept it. I don’t remember the order, but this is what I remember:
1) Touch and physical affection
2) Service – doing things for someone or having them do things for you
3) Gifts – physical representations of how much you care.
4) Words – compliments and ways that you point out verbally how you care
This book said that while these are the different ways that people give and receive love, not everyone sees all 4 as loving in the same way, or at all. Often, couples will give and receive love differently.
This comes to an idea from Stephen Covey’s _Seven Habits of Highly Effective People_. He speaks of relationships (of all kinds) as being like a bank account. Everything we do with and for another person can be seen as a deposit or withdrawal to the bank account. His point, which I try not to forget, is that the two people in the relationship may see these deposits or withdrawals differently.
A stark example of this was related as a story by Randall Williams in his house concert last weekend. A man had told him about his regrets. His wife had asked him to tell her that he loved her more often. He gruffly said that she knew it and he wasn’t comfortable repeating it to her. I think that he thought it perhaps was a feminine thing that wasn’t him. He would do other things to show her that he loved her, but he didn’t say it often. When she had lapsed into a coma just before dying, he repeated to her over and over, “I love you. I love you.” She could no longer speak, but I like to think that she heard him and knew that it had always been true throughout their 60 years of marriage.
Often people give love the way that they receive it without realizing that for others that may be seen as a withdrawal from the bank account. They want to receive love the way that is most comfortable for them. I think perhaps, too, that some people like to give love in one way and receive it in another. I am certainly fond of physical affection, which is why I give and receive hugs of friends whenever I can find an excuse to do so. I like gifts at particular times, but I don’t necessarily receive them well. I love giving gifts, but if I feel that people are overly generous with me, I’ll start to keep a tally in my mind and try to be sure to give back things of equal value. Sometimes I don’t feel able to do that, so it can make me uncomfortable.
I’m beginning to realize that not all of my friends are nearly as hug friendly as I am. I try to remember this.
My sister requested more examples, especially on the bank account metaphor. When you hug a nonhugger, you think you're giving them a gift (making a deposit), because you're expressing your love and affection towards them. For some, who even are huggers, there may be more going on. They might feel uncomfortable with where you are - is it a public place? is it too private? is it semi-private, but the wrong person may walk by and get the wrong impression? Sometimes they may worry that you're giving the wrong impression. Instead of being able to receive the hug, they see what you're doing as a withdrawal - perhaps taking out a large sum of the credit left in your relationship bank account with that person.
When we don't know/recognize this, we can continue to try to put in deposits in our way (hugging) when the other person gets madder or more distant, because that is a withdrawal for them.
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